Comments on: Things My Black Friends dont know

By: kim

kim — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 06:06:21 +0000

I think that when I finally start writing things for my children, my girls…things to help them through trying times with friends, things to hold onto as resources for spiritual strength and guidance, I will come back and paste this in. (Is that allowed?)

I love Ji-In’s wrap up, but also suenos’ contribution on the consideration of black humor. Of course, context and tone set the stage and make all the difference. Hell, even how close we are to our periods, or the hours out of the rough day we had before the bumpy moment.

Aren’t showtunes just so damned delicious?

By: suenos

suenos — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 00:26:04 +0000

When my black friends say things like that – I just think that is a part of black humor – and I don’t take it seriously.

When they say it in a mean way and are especially insulting to whites – I just feel sorry for them – and realize that everyone can be as blessed as me and brother raised by a white man and a black woman – raised to know that stereotypes are just that.

But maybe that is why it doesn’t hurt me because I know that I am a brown child born to a black woman and I never have to question my blackness – maybe my “differentness” but not my blackness.

By: this woman’s work - » All access (subtitled: Explode the Code)

this woman’s work - » All access (subtitled: Explode the Code) — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 14:40:09 +0000

[...] What she’s talking about are the levels of adoption loss — the loss of a biological connection and then the loss of a cultural connection. If we adopt transracially/transculturally, our children become biracial/bicultural regardless of their biological roots. Both Twice the Rice and A Birth Project wrote about this recently (click the links). (American Family also just wrote about this in her infamous and hilarious Emergency Code Whitey entry.) [...]

By: Lisa (Blah Blah)

Lisa (Blah Blah) — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 17:57:00 +0000

Well, I grew up with a black grandmother who would never throw food away, but I always thought that was because she grew up during the Depression. My house rule for leftovers always was “after four days, throw it out.” My husband (who is black as black can be – direct quote) will eat leftovers the next day, but that’s his limit. When I reheated leftover chicken stir-fry from Monday on Wednesday (last night), he seriously looked like he was going to throw up.
So much for black people don’t throw away good food. We’ve bickered about it countless times.
It made me mad and it didn’t even happen to me!

By: Lisa Marie

Lisa Marie — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 16:27:39 +0000

Ji-in – your comments get right to the heart of the matter – despite all of my diffuculties with my parents, ummm, they are STILL my parents! I love them and am protective of them like any person who has a loving relationship with their parental units. Its like I can talk about them if I wanna, but YOU cant! Its a delicate balance, like trying to help a girlfriend with a problem with her husband – they are still married – even if they have struggles!

Further – the point of “factors completely beyond our control” is so RIGHT. Im certain my friends and fam dont consider the differences being a body that is adopted (ummm no I didnt inheirit that personality trait from grandma, and yes I recall the cousin who got to keep the antique desk instead of me when I asked for it years before) — and im certain they dont to hurt me – but you all know my favorite mantra – “intent doesnt matter” when you are still causing someone pain.

The hills ARE alive…. dammit.. with the sound of muuuuuuusic….

By: t-hype

t-hype — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 15:32:54 +0000

Hey, I grew up with two black parents, my biological ones at that, and still grew up on showtunes. BOOO to all the haters!
My mother’s a Northern girl so we weren’t exactly raised on collard greens. If it wasn’t for my dad, I wouldn’t know much about black culture in the traditional (Southern) sense. And what I can relate to, not having grown up in that environment isn’t very impressive.
As for your friends, now that you’ve had a chance to vent about it, you should call them on it. If they’re real friends, they’ll not only apologize, but change the way they talk (and hopefully think) about things.

By: Susan

Susan — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 02:57:26 +0000

I’m just sorta sitting here crying and laughing and nodding.

Ji In, this is THE BEST response I’ve seen to ignorance in a LONG time.
[They can eat their own damn expired leftovers in their own damn kitchen. If they have a problem with it, I say we tie them to a tree and sing show tunes at ‘em until their ears bleed. } Yeah!

By: twicetherice

twicetherice — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 23:01:14 +0000

Yuck. I can relate to those feelings. Sometimes it just takes your breath away, and there’s nothing you can do but be silent and simmer with a fat question mark over your head. And then later on, you ruminate on it and start to feel PISSED.

I sort of think it’s like a double-whammy, because not only do those kinds of off-handed statements invalidate us as people of color, they are a dig against our parents, for their race. And triple whammy, it also works to exclude us from some sort of cultural club, based on factors completely beyond our control.

It comes back to the question of authenticity, and who determines how or why *your* experience coming into your black identity is or is not an “authentic” black experience. Except that there is an underlying kind of blame that those statements place on your parents as well as you.

To hell with that. They can eat their own damn expired leftovers in their own damn kitchen. If they have a problem with it, I say we tie them to a tree and sing show tunes at ‘em until their ears bleed.

By: Sheila

Sheila — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 22:02:09 +0000

I’m sorry that happened to you. I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. Just because you can explore your feelings about your adoption doesn’t make it okay to have it come back in the context of a joke! I am sure that, being your good friends, they love you and didn’t mean to hurt you. But they did. Even in this situation, Lisa Marie, it is amazing how you reach inside and turn your real hurt into a learning experience for the universe.