Visiting the Fam

Im back in WA for a visit with moms and dad for a few days.

Aunt Jemima says hi.  (if you dont understand that.. come see my show)

She’s still hangin out in the kitchen and was watchin me today, not so subtlety as I was vacuuming the kitchen, cleaning off the picnic tables and chairs getting ready for the 30 people my parents are having over for their annual 4th of July party. next year for sure im going to bring a huge posse of my friends. I can freak out all my parents church friends and my mom’s side of the family by having a huge multicultural mess of folks over. They wont be able to make one racist joke from confusion.

I just sat down after doing the vacuuming, and after spending about an hour helping my mom shovel up the dog ‘dumps’ as she calls them from the front yard where 4 dogs have made their comfort zone across the 2 acres. Last time I came home I was actually shoveling horse manure on the 1st day helping moms fertilize the yard.

Its nice to be home.

On a side note for ‘the search update’ – I finally got my non-ID papers from Olympia that I ordered last December or whenever that was. All I know is that it was an 8 month wait and that during those 8 months the other search techniques I was using came through instead. I haven’t done anything with making contact again for a while. It really was a good thing to do. So now I have the non-ID papers from both the county I was adopted in and the state. It was a good batch of information and actually filled in some of the questions I still had even after talking to G*****. If you remember, we did about 3 intense phone calls, and then I had to take a few steps back. She mentioned taking a blood test, but after getting this last batch of papers, I don’t see the point. I’m not in denial about who she is to me. Doing a blood test aint gonna change the fact that – I have her middle name. She never told me that in the times we talked and she knew my middle name is Marie. How do I feel about having her middle name? Its kinda cool, but is also kind of freakin me out. Like I dont belong to me anymore. I dont know how to explain that, maybe in a few days.

If you remember she was really resistent to letting the family know that i have ‘resurfaced’. What she has done however (after a looong while) is hook me up with my half-sister. yay! I got pictures of her and we have emailed each other back and forth for a bit. She’s 18 yrs old. We have the same smile.

but more importantly – I’m ready now I think, after it being about 5 months from the first contact with G**** to go ahead and start making contact with her again, see where she is in her head space and to start looking for the birth father. It’s been a really strange thing to need so much time and space to re-center myself. But hell.. Im not gonna act like I wasn’t thrown off kilter emotionally.


5 thoughts on “Visiting the Fam

  1. Dude. Five months — you’re like an advanced-placement, accelerated student compared to me. It took me almost four years after discovering and first interacting with my birth mother to work up the will to interact with her again.

    Pretty freaky indeed to learn after all these years that part of your name derives from hers. I can understand feeling less like your own after finding that out. Almost as if your identity contained an implanted code name all this time, and it’s just becoming activated by some unseen controller device.

    Congratulations on making contact with your little sister. 🙂 Sisters are the coolest.

    See ya soon!

  2. Take it easy on yourself. This is all very affecting. And I totally understand about being freaked out about the name thing. When I first found my birthmother, I discovered that she had named my younger sister the same name as my birthname. I’m still trying to figure that one out. Was it a tribute? Was she trying to erase me? What was that all about?

    At any rate, take good care, keep breathing.

  3. I dont feel advanced placement. I actually thought i was being a total wimp. So thank you both for leaving these comments. My AMom actually keeps asking me if I’ve called her (BM) and I’m like.. am I supposed to be? The name thing – both you and susan have hit me hard with what you say. seriously – the notion of my name being ‘activated’ at a certain moment – is such a crazy thing because its only been recently that Ive begun to claim my middle name as part of the ‘who’ I am. (sort of a stage name-ish) and then when i got the pages I was reading over then for like the fourth time and was like… am i reading this right? Her freakin middle name is mine? How did this happen? My AMom says that I came to them with my name, but when I spoke to G**** she said she didnt name me, and if she would have, she was going to name me Rosie or some madness.. lol..

    Susan.. thats such a trip… and thank you for being willing to share that with me. What WAS that about? that fear of erasure is so powerful – its like im struggling so hard with this thing of thinking that somehow she really doesnt want my contact. but if the rape happened.. why would she want it?

  4. what would Aunt Jemima say about all this? I actually think I mean that question.

    I appreciate you also keeping on – as if the search process and afamily foul beans is all you have goin on? I mean, how much do can you expect of yourself – to not emotionally break down, much less always see things clearly when a) people hide shit from you (consciously or not) and b) u put yourself in places to carry the weight of the world’s issues on already overburdened shoulders? I say slow the hell down and take a vacation from the last however many “vacations” you took that took from you.

    and as for the if the rape why would she want the contact – we need a world hug a ten thousand year reparations for all the women who raise children raped into them. can she even know why she’d want that contact?

  5. Lisa Marie,
    I was checking this other web site out and came across this…….I know your bmom said a different first name but …… just seemed to jump out at me.

    Do not know if there is some connection or not to your bfather.
    Hope you get this and glad that bmom has hooked you up with a half sister.

    Take Care,

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