TRA camp Decompression #1

I just got back from PACT camp. It was both very very hard and very fulfilling at the same time. Its going to take me a few days until I am able to articulate some of the emotions I had while I was there – but of course they include rage, comfort and well… rage.

Things I promise to write about soon:

  • The precious and for me – the first time ever – fellowship with fellow adult adoptees Ji-in, Susan Ito, Amy G., Heather and Robin Rasbury.
  • The adult adoptee panel madness
  • Going to little kid, ‘tween’ and teen sessions and my interaction with the kids during each (oh HELL no – no she didnt!)
  • My poetry workshops with the Teens
  • My ability to call upon my superhuman strength to protect AP’s from getting choked in public and in front of their kids. (even tho some of those kids probably would have joined in the choking)
  • Where this all puts me in relationship to my own birth search.
  • oh – and dont let me forget to tell you about the woman who actually challenged my relationship with my own AP’s, saying – wow, you and your mother must not have much to talk about, making sure we all knew SHE wasnt like that. woman- dont talk about my momma! dont you know betta than to talk about a black womans momma?

so i am left with this – my own poetry piece that emerged when I did the workshop with the fabulous TRA teens, who I at this moment pledge to protect and serve until … I cant stand thier parents anymore and I need to take a break.

I am a head full of silence

I am an arm weak with fighting

I am a heart bloody with tears

red hot from explaining

we are lost children

red cold from the refrain of we are lost

and simultaneously found

we are safe and at the same time in constant danger.

Until we find another safe space

until we wake and we are home

until we sing a round of songs that lifts our

souls up high and washes out the dream

that continue to make us tired of hearing your lies

about our lives

about our mornings

our times alone

our strengths, my weak arms,

weak fingers

constantly trying to continue to move move move

to breathe, to groove

all i need is a story of my birth

the reclamation of how i am connected

to this earth

not just an unfamiliar silent head.

Copper Rose

 

she is stark blue
in her school uniform
starched and clipped tight
class picture day
she is all bubbles,
sun and fire smiles with glossed
and combed pigtails
waiting for the camera man
to line her up with the other girls

that day
she is brown skin turning to fire
eyes full of thunder
as he lines her up on the boy side
a tornado of pain
a copper heart
like a cold penny taste.

 

Search Update

Peace all –

well. Today certainly has been interesting. about 3:45pm i got a phone call from a search angel in WA state. She indicated to me that there is a possibility that she found and contacted my birth parents. I had originally asked them not to contact anyone, so I was a bit dissapointed that this happened without my permission. I just hope they she learns from this interaction and holds back a little bit for the next people she helps. But ultimately I am thankful.

ANYHOW – so it seems that the possible R****/BF called her and spoke with her and possible G****/BM emailed her from Hawaii – and signed it with her Hawaiian name! interesting! anyhow. Im spinning a little bit and will probably be doing some phone calling 2nite.

wish me luck. 🙂

Foster Care News

Just when you think that everything is at a standstill. Asyou know from my last entry… I was feelin pretty crappy! and like this search is going nowhere.

but today, i drove down to southern california to spend some time with my family, and my Amom and dad who came down from washington state. My Amom brought me a letter that she found in their safe from the foster mother who took care of me for a while after i was born. There is an address, a full name and a date on the envelope. So – i'm planning on lookin up the foster mother and having an interview with her to see if she remembers anything about me or my situation.

From the lists that I am on, sometimes there is information that the foster care mother/father remembers from the circumstances of adoptions. If she had me for any long period of time, then she probably got alot of the same information, if not more than my parents. BUt who knows if she remembers. It was 35 years ago! BUT – the other thing to think about is that the foster care mother was in TACOMA – where my parents lived. Supposedly i was born in Renton, lived in foster care in Kent and then adopted in Tacoma – but this letter – means something different, unless the foster care mother moved from 1970 to 1971.

This is such a hard process. I'm thankful for adoptees who are adopted nowdays that there are different laws.

Oh yeah – my book is coming out in January. My mom and dad are reading the book as we speak. I hope they dont keel over. I'm just kidding. There's just a couple pieces about being adopted in there. The rest are political.

more soon!

Search News

I think a few entries back I discussed the possibility of someone in WA being able to have an inside to getting my records! well… that turned out to be a dead end. I already knew all of the information that she was able to give me. I'm not sure what she thought that she could do for me, but Ive been doing this for over 10 years now, this search process and I know all the WA state law and the fact that I need a CI. I'm a little frustrated, because I thought we had a bit of an understanding when I talked to her that I was really asking her to see what she could do on the down low. I didnt ask her to break any laws or anything, but sometimes having someone on the inside can open doors (and in my case – I was hoping.. files) that you cant get otherwise. I dont know. But apparently this is how it goes. So I think for right now, the search is at another stand still. Until I get my non-ID from Olympia, (next freakin year!) and until I get back to WA to look through those divorce records.. then there's not alot I can do.

My roommate has helped me begin to look at the school districts in the Renton area, but that is such a freakin long shot. I only have first names, no idea about schools, and only an estimated year of graduatation because I have two different ages documented. (sigh). Well, I suppose this is the search process. and this is what i get for not believeing that WA state law has my best interests at heart – trying to keep me from what is mine.

I'm angry and tired of knowing that those files are just SITTING there, I'm getting older and the chance of my finding them still seems so out of reach. I wish i knew a judge who would write me a letter. I'm angry that the rights of the birth mother are all that seem to matter, what about my freakin right to KNOW? I'm tired of looking at people wondering if they belong to me.

This is bullshit

Ungrateful Daughter Show

WOW!
last night was the premiere of my work in progress "Ungrateful Daughter" at Off-Market Theatre in SF! Man —- after not performing for 4 years.. i think it all came out last night. I feel SO good and so much of what needed to be put out there … was put out there. I didnt miss ANY of my lines and it was GREAT!!

The piece is a piece I've been working on for the past 8 weeks and last nights show was only the first 15 minutes. It touches on the painful and joyful aspects of being transracially adopted. I hope to get some reviews of the piece up soon.

I'm planning on producing the show again soon. But in the East Bay. At some point I hope to travel with the piece and take it to a few places around the country. I hope you all can come!!

Ontario Adoption Information Disclosure Act

Ontario Adoption Information Disclosure Act passes.

Ontario's adoption records bill passes in voteCTV.ca News Staff Ontario has passed a controversial bill to open up adoption records that have been sealed for almost 80 years. With the support of the New Democrats, the governing Liberals' Adoption Information Disclosure Act passed Tuesday afternoon by a wide margin. The Opposition Conservatives opposed the legislation. Ontario has been trying to pass adoption legislation for more than a decade, but previous bills have always been stalled. The province now joins British Columbia, Alberta and Newfoundland, which have already unsealed their adoption records. Those who have fought for years to have the records opened say it will help adoptees and birth parents reunite.
But those who didn't want the records opened say opening the records will violate their right to privacy. The province's Information and Privacy Commissioner, Ann Cavoukian, told CTV's Canada AM earlier this year that she was fine with the bill applying to adoptions in the future, but believed that birth parents in the past who had an understanding of complete privacy should be protected. She fears that the new law will destroy the confidentiality of parents who don't want to be found. Premier Dalton McGuinty stresses the legislation allows people to maintain their privacy should they not want to be contacted. Parents and children, he said, can stipulate that their records be kept sealed and that they not be contacted — provided they can prove to a tribunal that unsealing the records would cause them harm. "We're saying to people, 'You've got a right to know but you don't have the right to a relationship,''' McGuinty told the Canadian Press. "We're confident we've got it right."

Others in favour of open records say such a system will be an improvement on Ontario's current system, the Adoption Disclosure Register. The Register allows adoptees over 18 or adoptive arents to register that they would like to find the birth parents. If the birth parent also registers, the two sides are put into contact. Many have complained that the register system takes too long and that adoptees should have direct access to records. Ontario Social Services Minister Sandra patello notes that the law has provisions so that people can ask not to be contacted. But others are not satisfied, noting that their identities would still be revealed, whether or not they were contacted. The provincial Conservatives didn't like the bill because it failed to include a provision that would allow birth parents to veto disclosure of their records. They note that other provinces that have unsealed their records have included the option of keeping certain records sealed.
Ontario's legislation won't be enacted for another 18 months while the province launches an advertising campaign across Canada and the northeastern United States to inform those impacted by the changes.

non-ID from Olympia update

 

Soooo.. This is the letter I just recieved in the mail after sending off my non-ID request about a month ago. I heard it takes 6-8weeks, but maybe she said 6-8 months and I just didnt hear correctly. … tha hell?

so until then.. do i keep searchin with the limited information I have or do i wait the 8 freakin months?

i repeat.. gimmie my real birth certificate! Why should someone have access to my history and I am completely denied that same access when it belongs to me! This is very frustrating.